Thursday, August 16, 2012

first times the charm?

i can't believe that this page is completely blank. i have a whole new place to share my thoughts, feelings, dreams, worst nightmares... i fear that this will be public, I'm hoping that no one wants to know who i really am! its nothing special really, just figured id find a place, a niche if you will, to write about love happiness sadness and all that jazz. I'm really not that witty just writing from the heart, ill write about my experiences, my friends' hopeless encounters and my family's again tales. could be fun. id mostly just like to read for myself. its healthy to post for yourself, right?

i guess it all started years back. i lost the love of my life or so i thought. he crosses my mind every now and then, usually when I'm begging out on the couch, lost in translation, lost in some stupid movie about bachelorettes... anyway, this love of mine, haunts my waking hours and dreams every now and then. i spent endless nights with him and endless afternoons waiting for the window of opportunity when he'd lie to his girlfriend only to rush into my arms. i thought it was happiness. i think now it feels more like a sugar induced hangover. like i took straight shots out of a willy wonka jumbo size pixie stick and the booze and funneled sugar rush right to my head. it makes me want to pull my teeth out.

like a roller coaster my feelings and scientific analysis of my feelings towards him come in forms of highs and lows. one minute i blame him for all of my problems, the next i have completely shut him out of my life only to find myself in the bed of some frat boy, giggling and making out like 16 year olds. but heres the thing- I'm not sixteen anymore. i need to grow up. i need to stop thinking that I'm different and that the drunken frat boy is going to drop everything and get down on one knee for me. he doesn't love you you goose! and he won't. he never will. he, on the other hand, is definitely still sixteen on the inside. he has the maturity of a one year old puppy.

and heres the thing, most guys are like puppies. i can't tell you the silliest phrases I've heard over the years: "you're the only red head id ever be attracted to." "i like you so much but something switched and you got clingy" (its called building a relationship, you asshole.) it seems you can manipulate them into saying or doing anything you want, its only a matter of booze, flirty eyes, and high heels. throw in a short skirt and you're good to go. its preposterous and absolutely ridiculous. i hope so, so so badly to find someone i can have an intelligent conversation with! is it that hard? and now, as any man would say, i sounds like a whiny feminist. okay heres the thing fellas. i love sex just as much as you! does that mean I'm looking for a relationship? no! sometimes women just like getting laid to. now get over yourself and stop thinking that the second we fool around I'm gonna be obsessed with you and wind up on your front doorstep with cookies and a dog collar after lunch with your mother. you're not my bitch.

so here's the latest. a law student, 25 absolutely b-e-a-utiful! i swear to god when i danced with him for an hour i thought we were gonna dash the concert and get married... definitely the booze talking. he starts texting me, talking to me everyday, saying downright raunchy naughty and all kinds of inappropriate things to me via text. i won't lie i love the attention! what girl doesnt wanna hear every last detail a man will do to you in the shower? how could i say no. the question is- when is the right time to sleep with him? i honestly wish i could skip all the bullshit and get down on one knee myself. I'm so sick of hearing I'm sexy funny beautiful sexy sexy sexy blah! just stop? do you not care about a single thing except my cleavage and my ghetto ass? yes i know its huge! you know whats not? your brain. you are 25 for fucks sake get your shit together and demand a real relationship. it'd be sooo much hotter than demanding i bend over and let you do me.

like i said I'm not sixteen anymore.
witty, funny, beautiful, psycho maybe
but not sixteen.